Cheating Spouses, Cyber Sex and Phone Sex

This is a complicated question! And to think a mere few years ago (a thosand cyberlight years) there was no such thing to even contemplate! Wow - the closest thing was probably the secret penpal sending naughty photos back and forth - am I right?

In a word - Is CyberSex cheating? Personal opinion - can be nothing more.

CyberSex really is more than just a *thought* - the person is not just thinking about having sex with someone (a fantasy) - they ARE having sex - with themselves - while someone else is and doing it at the same time, together - this is an ACTION. Much more than a mere thought.

My opinion is that if it is with the SAME person longterm, yes. That is an intimate relationship IMO, even if they have never been f2f. If it is always a different person or it doesn't matter WHO at ALL they are *jacking* to - then to me, that just says they are a horn-dog and they don't think anything about it other than it sure is a convenient way to *get their jollies off*.

But - further - on to personal daily life I am going here. To the day to day, living together couple, maybe with kids together life. (It is pretty long but I believe you will find it enormously helpful if you are in need of this imformation. I have been a private investigator for nearly 15 years; have seen most of it and don't want to see the rest! So, here goes - I mean why should you always be "the last to know" ?

Here is my P.I. Cheaters Check List--What to Look for if You suspect your mate is cheating on you:

1. He or she carries condoms in wallet, purse, pockets or vehicle and you don't use condoms together. If you find a condom, don't mention it -- put a small mark on the or she wrapper and check for it when you can. If the mark disappears, you're probably looking at a new condom -- so what happened to the other one if you don't use them together?
2. Check the computer, roladex, calendars or day planners. If your mate has more than a *casual* friend, you may find a birthday noted on the appropriate page and, if you are lucky you'll find a name, a phone number, a work phone number, pager number, cell phone number, and even other personal data listed among business contacts. I have a REALLY handy free tool that shows the letters and numbers that the ******* are for passwords. If anyone wants/needs it - ask me for it - I'll send it to you free.
3. If he or she is evasive about little things or big things or virtually everything; they simply just doesn't want to carry on a conversation with you. This is possibly because they are having a difficult time remembering what you know and what you don't know about their activities. Lies breed FAST and unless you have a great memory, it will become difficult to remember them all and they won't fit. Fit with what? - With all the Lies that YOU have been writing down and keeping track of complete with dates and times.
4. You are both visiting with friends when you catch a story of something that recently (or fairly recently) happened in a recreational setting or in a location that you've never been and you weren't aware that he or she'd visited either; EVER. Big tipoff is when they just spilled information that they didn't want you to know; watch their body language closley. Watching body language in most of these tips is important.
5. You notice that one of your friends and your spouse are talking a lot and he or she calls the or she house to get advice which usually turn into long phone calls in low tones in a separate room. You notice that they seem to smile at each other quite often and particularly when or they think no one is watching.
6. If there is an occasion to hug they hug longer and more enthusiastically than would be considered *normal*. He or she says you're imagining things if you mention it; if you ask (and you probably shouldn't at this point if you really want to find out);
7. WATCH THAT BODY LANGUAGE VERY CLOSELY -- averting eyes, crossed arms, moving around, can't stay still, if they do look at you-the gaze will be *different*...there are MANY more but that would be a whole new hub.
8. This *person* becomes more involved in your life now; or so it seems. They just pop over - no phone ahead. They suddenly have more problems, car trouble, etc...the list never ends.

===Side-bar===

True Story - A friend of mine suspected her best friend of being the other woman (as painful as THAT was). They were NEVER available at the same time. Always *missing* at the same times. Her suspicions turned out to be absolutely bang on right. It had gone on so long that they had actually had a child together! They were both pregnant at the same time, by her husband. Her *EX* friends husband never knew until 10 years passed...he was told by anonymous letter - it was obvious - the boy looked Exactly like the father.

OK - on with the tips.

1. Do they keep a stocked travel bag in the car? Do they need to? If they are not "traveling" -- at least not that you know of -- do the items in the bag change? You might suspect (even out-right KNOW) that your spouse is cheating and you may find enough evidence to prove that, (smelling of different perfume, lipstick collars, mascara on the car seat over and over; but what you do with the evidence is another matter.
2. Get the access code for the business phone and play back the messages. Most men want something a little more convenient so even if they are using one of those pre paid calling cards for calls to the *other cheater* he or she'll probably slip-up on occasion and leave a trail you can follow, as long as you simply know how. A lot of all of this depends on just how much data you want/need to have before you are willing to admit to yourself it IS HAPPENING. Only you can decide.
3. Does he or she have a separate bank account? Okay, so maybe he or she had a few checks left over from when the two of you got together, maybe you've been married for ten years... and you still have that account? And the statements go to that private post office box of his? Or that PO box that he or she just recently set up for some *lame* reason?
4. They say they are working late but when you call the office, you get voicemail and when he or she finally does get home, they say the phone system isn't working at the office or has some other lame excuse for not calling you back or answering in the first place. That could happen, but not on a regular basis.
5. What's important here is to be able to "read" the excuse -- are they defiant or defensive about it? If they say their working late but you can't get in touch with them, call one of his co-workers (or a co-worker's spouse) and casually inquire about the or she overtime situation or the or she recent excessive workload.
6. They say they are going to be home at a certain time, but show up late; smelling of alcohol saying they stopped for a few drinks and didn't *think* to call home. Valid once or twice but more than that and you've just got to wonder .....
7. They don't want you to visit at work -- for any reason. If they have convinced a co-worker that your relationship is over, they certainly don't want you showing up looking like the loving spouse! Nor do they want you to run into the office gossip who just might want to fill you in on the details of some *office romance*.
8. Do the stories change and the excuses seem flimsy as to why they were out late or why they must work late? Some people leave the office at 5 o'clock; only to show up at home well after midnight --because they had a flat tire on the freeway...10 times...in a year?

How many times will you buy that excuse or something similar?

They say company functions are for employees only, spouses are not allowed to attend. Legitimate for some functions but parties and overnights? If you don't have any contact with mates of your spouse's co-workers, is it your choice or your spouse's? If it's your mates choice then perhaps it's high time to call a wife/husband and invite them to a casual lunch.

Some men who cheat want everyone but you to know how "studly" they are and a co-worker's mate may just be bursting to tell you all about your spouse's affair.

He has an open account with a local florist but he or she never sends you any flowers.They used to remember every romantic holiday with a card or little gift or a romantic outing just for the two of you. Not lately.

Is there new stress in their job, do they have a physical problem that needs medical attention... or... are they simply directing their romantic energy elsewhere?

Your sex life has changed dramatically. He or she wants more, he or she wants less, he or she's never interested, he or she's always interested, he or she is trying new techniques. Some men exhaust themselves in their sexual affairs and don't have enough energy for anything else - in the family or in the bedroom.

When the two of you go out together, does it seem that you're always running into the same *person*, perhaps a co-worker? If he or she is having an affair, he or she may be fully aware that you're still actively in the picture and the two of them may be taking every opportunity to be in the or she same places at the or she same time just so they can get a casual glimpse of each other.

Walk away from him in a public setting and watch the two of them from a distance. Do they look longingly in each others direction? What is the expression if they notice you watching? Is there guilt on the face? Triumph in the others?

If you look through the wallet or purse, are they still carrying photos of you and the kids or are the family reminders of you missing? In the office, are the family photos on that desk?? -- particularly those of you and kids?

Do they have a post office box for personal mail? Find out - it is easy. Perhaps some regular bills and general correspondence still come to your regular mailing address, but some people need to hide credit card charges and other bills and correspondence that would clue you to an affair.

Do they have an unfamiliar key on their keyring? Do you know what it opens? Is there any legitimate reason for them to be receiving mail that you can't read?

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Art said in hub - Is_Cyber_Sex_Cheating:

"Great hub! I'd like to see more on the affect of cyber dating/sex for the single person. I am of the opinion that it is more fulfilling for the man. Maybe could be a bit depressing for the woman."

I really like Art's comment and think it rather astute. Even though it has nothing to do with *is it Cheating*...it still deserves to be noted IMO as a great opinion.