How do you forgive someone who has been cheating or cheated on you?

tinyteddy 4 years ago

should you ?

if it is a breach of trust no

if it has happened becuase of your negligence move on

hpfaff 3 years ago

I discovered less than a month ago that my husband was carrying on an affair for 5 months with a co-worker. This was a full blown affair of the heart and mind, including sex, and they expressed their love for one another. I believe they even discussed his exit strategy from our marriage, although he never could bring himself to leave.

We've been married for 15 years and have 2 beautiful children: 7 and 9. I've always said I would NEVER stay with a cheater, but let me tell you! You DON'T KNOW UNTIL IT HAPPENS TO YOU. I'm desperate to keep my marriage and family together. Despite the unthinkable wrong he has done, I still love him. Or is it just that I am completely unprepared to be a single mother alone and watch my husband run off with another woman??

He acts very remorseful and has huge guilt. We've been seeing a therapist and he is diligently looking for a new job so he can sever contact with her. He says he wants to keep the marriage together and loves me, but I know he is still pining for her. He thinks he fell in lover with her, but I feel it is lust and that he just misses the "fantasy" life he created.

Am I out of my mind for wanting to stay with this man and save my family? Will we ever be able to regain intimacy in our relationship? Since I discovered the affair, he has been unable to perform in bed with me.

I have gone through all the range of emotions: shock, anger, deep despair, depression, anxiety and have lost 10 pounds in just a few weeks.

hpfaff 3 years ago

Melanie,

Thank you for your comments. It helps me a lot to interact with others who understand my plight. It is torture every day living through this, particularly as my husband is still working with the other woman.

I feel like a caged animal on a treadmill. Staying with him is causing me great pain, particularly as he continues to work with the other woman. If I ask him to leave, I know he will finally feel the sense of loss (of his family) that he has not had to deal with, but I'm unwilling to risk losing him to this other woman. She is waiting in the wings like a vulture.

I can only pray that something happens to change the "status quo"!

Any experiences or successes that can be shared are appreciated.

cruisertrek 3 years ago

My wife confessed her affair to me two nights ago. I started writing up the divorce papers today. What's worpped about this, is that I love her so completely-but I feel like I have to stay true to my word-that I would divorce her if she ever cheated-but now I know it's easier said than done. And the emotions-I can't make heads or tails of them! She asked me not to file for divorce, and says thaT SHE loves me, and that I'm a wonderfull husband-BULL****. How can I ever tust her again?

So my question is this. By filling for divorce, even though we love each other, Is pride getting in the way? I'm thinking that I need to stick to my pricables, if I can't do that, then what do I have?

This isn't my first rodeo-I know how a divorce works, and what it does to the kids (I'm concerned about our 8 year old boy growing up without his mother around).

confusedintx 3 years ago

I found out a week ago that my husband had a been seeing a girl that works next door to his office. The sad part is, is that it was our son caught him when they went out of town, my son noticed that his dad had been texting and talking to someone that wasn't mom. So one night my son forwarded me all the text messages off his dads cell phone. My son is very protective of me, and it took a lot of gutts for him to send me those messages.

When I spoke to my husband, he denied it but I had proof. He said that he had been trying to break up with me for a month already. I went a couple of days with out talking to him, he called often, but I didn't answer. I cried very often because I have always loved him, He broke my heart. I have stood by my husband through a lot. By no means did I deserve this. I guess no one does.

My question is my heart still hurts and I am angry, I do love him, but what he did was wrong everyone tells me to leave him, and if he loves me he will be back a better man. That he needs to feel the pain of loss to realize the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I am affraid to loose him, but I guess he wasn't affraid to loose me or he wouldn't have done what he did. Right?

He wants to work things out. He says he's sorry and it was a mistake. That he doesn't want to loose me but he doesn't want to argue about what has happened in the past. If that is whats going to happen then he is not willing to be in the relationship. I'm Confused. He has to realize that I can't always bite my tongue, there is going to be days when it hurts. My heart tells me to stay, but my mind tells me to go. I don't know what to do. I want to be happy. I want to wake up and not hurt. I don't eat or sleep well.

Do I listen to my Heart or to My Mind???????

Mary 3 years ago

I just found out that my husband to be has been cheating. We have a 5 month baby and this is how long they have been seeing each other. I knew he was cheating but all he would say is that I was crazy until I found out. Now I feel really betrayed because I have been a really good person to him and this is how he repays me. He says that he is sorry that it will never happen again, how do I know this is true.

sad and hurt 2 years ago

My husband had a one-night stand 4 years ago. Yes, it's been 4 years and it still pains me. He was on a business trip and told me about it when he returned. I think the only reason why he told me is that he thought he had caught something. How am i ever going to trust him again? What really upsets me is that I have been on a million business trips, I get hit on ALL THE TIME, and have never, ever thought of cheating on him. We now have a baby together and sometime I wonder if i have stayed with him so I could have a child. We really need to go to counseling, but he has gotten promoted and is always home too late to go anywhere. What am I to do?

gabrielle 2 years ago

okay , here goes ...one year ago(OCT 2008) i caught my husband texting his lover. He claims to have had a secret all- consuming "friendship " for one year that progressed onto a total sexual ,emotional relationship for a total of 2 years .

History : we are together 20 years , married 18 . We have 3 beautiful , incredibly talented children . Now , 16,12 and 5 . We were the envy of all our family and friends . My husband 42,and i were inseparable .we stood by eachother through thick and thin . He is a hard -worker , generous and gorgeous charming man VERY affectionate ,very involved and loving dad. The best catch ! I am 39 ,beautiful , very smart ,masters degree, in graet shape , loving ,supportive. We shared religious values , ideas everything .we were crazy for eachother.

( one year before meeting the other woman )My husband seemed like he was getting bored , burned out ect.... our youngest was 1 at the time . I wanted to be there for him . i am very sexual (very very ) i tried unburdenung him with finances , being supportive ect.... ( literally bending over backwords !!)

things just kept getting worse , i did alot of the female "dont dos" , like talking things out for both of us ect,,,lecturing , threatening , crying ,,,and we started to drift .... this went on for 12 months ......(he claims prior to his affair) the house slowly started to become tense , happy times far and fewer between , my son who was a star athlete , a+ student , descrbed feeling depressed anxious ect...

(oct 2006) he claims is when he met the other person .the house strarted to get into more disrepair, my husband flat out stopped sleeping with me . money was not coming in like before ,My son started to do worse in school , bad friends , my husband turned into a cold , distant, mean stranger . I asked him DAILY , #1 Do you still love me ? do you want a separation ? are you having an affair ? are you gay ? He wwould be so angry and insulted and say , i am burned out , i am exhausted i cant deal wwith this i need space . let me concentrate on work for our future !all im asking of you is to be supportive !

I cried myself to sleep nightly ,but i became super martyr ! i am in this for the long haul , focus on not giving him any stress . well, my sons situation deterorated so badly , i got into personal financial debt , and was dying inside i cant describe how i felt because i'll start to cry , but the pain was sharp , intense and all- consuming .

somehow ??? hubby seemed calm , relaxed , happy ., confident . i thought i was a nut -job ! i was breaking apart. insecure . anxious . taking my husband to dr.s ? maybe he had prostate cancer ? why else cant he get an erection ?i was so worried about his health that i couldnt sleep and IM the one with a pre-cancer condition !

after i caught my husband (oct. 2008), this is his version : he was very depressed , business was bad (true ) he felt very stressed . we were not getting along , he felt very bad about himself , his life , like a real loser . he met this woman who convinced him a friendship is normal and healthy and he should be able to do what he wants at his age . she needed his help with work ect... he said around her he felt like a star . gorgoeus ,sexy , it was a thrill . and he loved being her hero and she was really hot !! he baecame addicted to her . and it progressed . He says he didnt feel actual love , more lust , sex was good ,obsession , sexual . he felt happy , like on a vacation . he had no future plans with her .

he also says he felt very guilty , confused , didnt have much in common with her ,wanted his cake and eat it to . tried breaking up with the woman but just couldnt, wouldnt ,always went back ..

Now ,once caught, he did sever ties with her quite abruptly and she wasnt too pleased . he threatened to call police if she didnt stop calling him . told her he never loved her was never going to leave me .he changed all his numbers , cel , office , e-mails .( to me,,, this is BS.. he seemed like he was going through withdrawal and it did take 6 months to really get rid of all the loose ends , e-mail accounts . he also waffled alot and needed time to heal bull****^%^#$$@#) he says , he felt relief at being caught and horrible shame and guilt to face up to everyone for what he had done.

now ,he leaves computers opened ect... transfered every penny to me . drafted legal documents to me that would put him in the poor house if he left me . he is begging , going to counselling , reading books , trying to be there for me , for us . He is beyond remorseful . he is his old self but even better ? It actually all seems genuine, he swears he was temporarily insane , bad place , bad time . he has a history of excellence ! he says he will make me the happiest woman ever or will die trying . still begs for forgiveness ... i cant think of one thing he isnt doing ....

My son now in a rehab program . my husband has never left his side or mine (take that with a grain of salt ). he is working like a dog to try to repair the house and the finances . i am a wreck . i am jealous ,is it possible he didnt love her ? he also only admitted to whatever he was caught to . my ego and confidence shattered . the woman he was with is 5'8 , never had kids aerobics instructer , im hot ,,,, but ?? im ssooo beyond hurt ,angry , confused , im scared of making the wrong decision . i know i love him .is that normal ? i am a coward . iam scared to be alone and i wont . so , whats wrong with me ? do i actually love him ? can i trust him again? he lied about EVERYTHING including business , not just her in those 2 years . will we ever heal ? can our relationship be better ? or is he a sicko that just got caught , loves me and the kids superficially and doesnt want to see all he worked for up in smoke ?

i actually feel selfish for thinking about myself and my happiness while my son is suffering and my husband is trying so hard .... i obviously need help..i made an appointment , what advice do you have for me ?

signed , overwhelmed

gabrielle 2 years ago

i am not surprised that you have picked up on something that i think needs major addressing .... ME ... where is my self -respect ? who am I ? what do I want ? i know this journey is all about me .. It's MY life aand only I can find my joy and decide what the "bar " is . I am working very hard on getting help and working toward empowering myself ... I was NEVER a victim my whole life , something went wrong and IIII let it happen and III can make it stop !!

I also will wwork my way toward "letting go " forgiveness " ect... for myself . i've been down painful roads before , its an incredible survival skill !

What i'm sstruggling with is : is this relationship worth saving ? do you know copules that have gone on to reconnect and live happy lives after an event like this ? am i being totally conned and naive ? (yes ,time will tell )

i never realized i put him on a pedastal ? i thought i was trying to be fair , and not re-write history because i am angry and hurt . i was a doormaat extraordinaire what he did was evil , but on the flip being the martyr was self-serving (i said i was a coward ) but i never tolerated bad behaviour once i found out and set strict bounderies until i would decide what i wanted .......

if i take care of myself first , and feel honored , i think i can regain my self respect , time will tell,

but waht about your experience in staying and working it out assuming i get up there on the pedastal with him and feel good about myself ?

Meg 2 years ago

Melanie, I came across your article when i googled 'how to forgive my husband for cheating'. My story is a bit different from these. My huband and I have been married for a year and a half, together for almost 7, and we have a 4 year old daughter. In March of this year, I found out that he had joined this online mobile community, had met some girls, and was chatting, texting, sending/receiving pics. I confronted him and he was shocked that I found out...he was silent and it took a couple days to get answers from him. I was completely devastated...this is a man that I love more than life itself, someone who I gave all trust to and would have never, in a million years, thought he would do something like this. After I caught him doing this, he was remorseful, but told me he felt like our "sexual" relationship wasn't there. So, being a "good" wife, I gave him more. I started sending him pics on his phone, and just being more frisky. In September I found out he was doing it again...this time I was shocked, but more mad than anything. He said some really hurtful things like "you can just leave" and "you wouldn't make it without me", etc. and that I act like I'm miserable and I bring him down. Eventually he said sorry, and we decided to work on our relationship. Nothing changed...even though he says he changed, I didn't see anything. He didn't do anything to gain my forgiveness. And then, low and behold, 3 days ago, I found out he was doing it again! This time his excuse is that our relationship is "dead", he doesn't feel like we are a couple, I don't show him enough affection, he gives and I don't return it. Its a crock...I bend over backwards for him and our daughter. I am a damn good wife, and anyone I know will agree. I am to the point of numbness...the thought of him makes me sick. I'm not sure I can move on and forgive him. He said he doesn't want counseling...just wants us to start acting like a couple again. The problem is...what about me? So, I move on, giving him the attention he needs not to stray, but what about my broken heart? How do I forgive him? I'm not even sure what I want from him at this point. How am I supposed to show more affection to a man that has abliterated my heart? Help please :(

bigfeathers 2 years ago

well, last saturday my husband told me he had a drunken one night stand 8 months ago when he went to an out of state class for his work. he says he didn't know the woman, and had never seen or talked to her before, and that he hasn't since. (he also said the sex was "bad and short" and that she was overweight!). he says that it was tearing him up inside and he had to tell me, but i just feel like everything since then has been a lie. even though he says he really does love me and wants me to stay with him i'm just not sure i can ever look at him without picturing him naked with another woman. not to mention how am i ever supposed to be intimate with him again. he claims that is the only time this ever happened, but how do i know he's telling me the truth. if i stay with him isn't that just giving him free reign to do it again. I love my husband very much. we're young (both 24, although it happened when he was 23) we've only been married for 2 and a half years and i was really looking forward to the next 50 years of our life together. i'm just so lost because right now the idea of forgiving him and ever trusting him again is so unfathomable. don't know what to do.

bigfeathers 2 years ago

We were at home cooking dinner and having a bonfire in the backyard. We both had had a glass or two of wine, but we weren't drunk. He told me he felt horribly guilty and shameful, that it was the worst thing he's ever done in his life. He also said he felt I deserved to know, and that he wanted our relationship to be as good and strong as possible and that it couldn't be if it were based on deceit. So I guess that's why he finally told me. Since then he has called both his mom and my mom to confess and apologize (he knew I would need to talk to my mother about it). He also immediately suggested going to therapy to try to work through it and we just had our first session today, but it seemed like the counselor didn't have much to say. He says if I want to leave him I would be completely justified, but that he thinks it would be a great disservice to us both if we didn't do everything we can to try and get through it first.

bigfeathers 2 years ago

In regards to him telling me to get it off his chest, he said he had at first googled what to do and found an article that said if you're truly sorry and won't do it again, then don't tell her because that's selfish-you just have to live with what you did. So he stuck with that for a long time, but recently we had a somewhat candid conversation and I told him that if ever an indiscretion like this came up I would rather he clear the air as soon as possible so that I can start working through a response. In short, the honesty is more important to me even if it means feeling such deep intense pain as I do now. Not to mention if I had ever found out without him telling me it would have been over, no question. I do think it has something to do with respect for me as his spouse and as a woman.

bigfeathers 2 years ago

I would also like to note that I found this hub searching for a path to true forgiveness. Clearly there are two choices: stay and try to trust again, or leave and be done with it. Either way I need for forgive his actions for my own well-being. This is what I am currently struggling with. Sure the thought of him currently makes my skin crawl, but in all likelihood that will fade with time. I think we were both naive, and our big mistake was thinking that this could never happen. We had no boundaries or guidelines in place in regards to each others interactions with the opposite sex. That being said, I stayed true and he did not. But I don't think my judge of character is so awful that he has just been playing me this entire time. I believe this is the only time it ever happened, and I believe he is truly sorry. I have done some things in my life that I'm not proud of, and I'd like to believe that people deserve a second chance--certainly not a third in this respect, but a second to prove they are a better person than that. I'm just hoping for advice and suggestions on how to find peace, especially at this time of year.

lost 2 years ago

2 years ago I started dating this guy and it was great. He was the sweetest guy I've ever been with and I thought he understood that I wanted a relationship with no games and complete honesty. Two weeks into the relationship his brother was killed tragically and it was a very hard time for him and his family, but I was there for him in every way... I found out about 9 months later that a month and a half after his brothers death he cheated on me with a random person he had met through Craigslist and then hid it and lied about it. We had a great sex life very fulfilling and open to trying anything including the addition of other people into OUR sex life, but not like that, not him screwing around and then lying. I found the chat log on his computer and discovered the affair that way. I didn't immediately confront him but instead asked him if he had ever cheated on me, he said no... I left it like this for a few weeks to see if he would come clean himself and continued to ask questions about his fidelity, all of which he denied. The lying to my face is what gift the most and he never confessed until I actually showed him the chat log and he simply could not deny anymore... I can't trust him anymore and don't even know if I want to anymore

Jefer 2 years ago

i have been in a relationship for 6 years and i just recently found out the my partner has been someone for the past 3 years.the relationship has been going fine and i never suspected he was cheating. He wants another chance ,he say there was no love involved in this affair. Is he being honest 3 years no love. We also have a son i suggested we go counselling but he says people with problems go counselling but we have a problem will i ever trust him again. it almost killed me when i found out. If i do decide to give him a 2nd chance and he does it again. it will surely kill me. he acts like the affair never happened and that i should for get it. how can i forget something that just happened its not even a month.He says its over between him and the other person how can u know if this is true. How will i know if this affair was a sign to run, or it happened as a test to see how strong the relationship is. I am strongly thinking of forgiving him but where does that relationship go do i give him a 2nd chance.

Confused 22 months ago

My husband left for training for 3 months and we had been arguing a few times leading up to that. I got tired of him pulling me into fights so I started ignoring him whenever he started. A few days before it was time to pick him up his attitude was very harsh, then a few days after he got home I could sense something wasn't right. He wasn't sleeping in our bed. I asked him to fess up and he told me he was planning on separating from me. About 2 weeks of not really speaking and not sleeping together he left without telling me that he was going to Florida. There he met up with a girl he had been sharing our problems with and they ended up having sex. I found out about it by checking his e-mail. He confessed and began calling and texting me a lot and telling me how sorry he was and he never meant to hurt me. This woman has since moved to Germany, but he's stayed in contact with her. We are still separated, but 3 weeks ago he asked me to come bring our son to see him and I did. He told me he was sorry for what he'd done and he felt he made a mistake and he needed me to forgive him. He asked if he could come home. I told him I didn't know and he'd have to prove it to me. He agreed and said he would try his best. A week later, I did some self sabatoging by antagonizing him and making him jealous and he said he was done with me. A week and a half later after convo, he told me he wants to come back home. I don't believe him, but I love him. Up until the past 2 months he's been the model husband and really tried his best to make me happy, but I had been so angry with him over little stuff that it spilled over to other things and I was just really mean to him. He said he was tired of me being awful to him and he needed someone to talk to. This girl he was training with listened to him like I couldn't. I want to forgive him, but I don't know how to get past this.

Amber 22 months ago

I think you are very right here. From my personal point of view I believe you are right that you have to forgive and try your hardest to forget. After I found out that my spouse had cheated on me I wanted to stay together because I love him but it had eaten me alive. That was 2 months ago and things are finally getting better and back to normal. It has taken a lot for me not to bring it up day after day, especially when the person was someone I knew. I though things were fine between us when I found out and they were, his affair had just happened once when I was out of town six months prior. At that point we had been on the rocks so I have kind of understood and things have gotten much better since then. If you really want to get through things and want them to work out you do need to realize why it happened, make sure that point is past the 2 of u and the guilty party is sorry and will no longer lie to you, and u need to just forgive them and move on. That is the only way it can ever work! It is hard to gain their trust again afterwards but you have to, if you have trust you have nothing!

Rj 22 months ago

I am young 16 years old and i cheated on my girlfriend we been together for 7 months i was drunk at the time

Hurt for the 3rd time 22 months ago

I found out on saturday that my husband of 6 years has been texting another woman some very inappropriate messages. They are carrying on a "cyber affair". This isn't the first time that i have caught him talking with other woman, it's the third and this time I kicked him out. It started almost 4 years ago when I was pregnant with our first child. Apparently because I wasn't as interested in having sex ALL the time he decided to look to the internet for flings. He started with posting adds for himself on a websites and after I had the baby it went as far as he started asking people to come over while our baby was sleeping. I caught him accidently when he left his email open on the computer. I found out he has been meeting up with a girl but he refuses to admit that he had had sex with anyone. It was all just online and texting. Then after two years of what I thought things being better we decided to have a second baby. I made him swear and promise that he wouldn't do this to me again and I believed him. We have had our second child and she is 10 months old and I find out again this is happening. He attributes it to the fact that he can't talk to me. I have no idea where this stems from as I am a very chatty person and never keep things hidden but he didn't want to upset me by talking.

Am I wrong to be so hurt and done with him? I hate him, I am so mad at him for ruining this family, for break the trust and all he feels is that with counselling everything will be better. Is it wrong that although he says that it was never physical it still feels like it was and that words are just as strong as actions??? I don't know if i could ever trust again or forgive and forget. And yet one small side of me wants to keep our family together. I want my kids to have their dad and I want to have the happiness back. I want to forget this ever happened. But i can't

Hurt for the 3rd time  22 months ago

The second time I forgot to mention, I found him starting to text a girl again while I was 6 months pregnant with our second. I am truly a sucker for letting it happen a third time.

Katrina smith 22 months ago

my man cheated on me and he said that he made a mistake for the frist time but how do i know he is for real and that he wont make another one because he still sees her

Rosali 21 months ago

I found out just a few hours ago that my husband cheated once on me with an on-call co-worker, whom I considered a friend, but who has refused to go back to work since. I have talked to her and she wants to make her marriage work. She succumbed to his advance when she was going through a rough patch with her own marriage. Yes I'm angry, hurt, numb, and wonder if its even possible to ever trust him again because my gut tells me I have to forgive him if I want to stay healthy . We haven't talked so I don't know if he wants to make our marriage work ! I don't know if I want to ! I convinced him to come back home ... he missed work this afternoon and drove off to the next city to think. But now he's back and he went to our bedroom ... he said he was going to rest. We have two children aged 11 and 13 and they are both home !! How can we communicate without letting them know what has happened. I want so much for our children to never find out what we are experiencing ! Is it possible to hide this from them ???

busmom 21 months ago

Hello 2 weeks ago my husband of 11 years ( together since 1996 ) confessed to a one night stand with a girl he meet thru work . He also told me how bad he has been feeling in our marriage for quite a long time, I have to say the feeling is mutal even tho we never talked about it . The issue now is moving forward, I have no clue where to start . We have been getting along great, still having sex BUT talking so much more openly then we ever have . I am scared we are moving too fast and dont want to rush this . Any tips?

busmom 20 months ago

Thank you for the response. We have 3 kids. Its getting better day by day, but some days are just awful for me. Its only been a month since he confessed to me so I am still in a state of shock , shock that is slowly fading and I am left with a broken heart . any other tips? Its hard to not just break down and walk away. Thought it being a one time thing would be easier, but now I spend my thoughts wondering what kind of man has a one night stand? Thats not the kind of man my husband is.

Gina 20 months ago

Hi Melanie, my husband left me two years ago as I was under a tremendous amount of stress and he couldn't handle it. We just recently got back together and I am having a difficult time letting go of the anger and hurt that he caused me two years ago. I am having a hard time trusting him as during the two years we were seperated, he had antoher woman move in with him. She was only here for two months (right before I came back). I imagine her in this house. I see her in his bed. She haunts me in my head. He is not giving me any reason to not trust him but my insecurity is so great. I feel extreme angst whenever he is away from me. I have never been an insecure or jealous person and now those feelings are raging in me. I love him dearly and don't want to ruin this. How do I let go of the terrible thoughts in my head?

busmom 20 months ago

Gina, I wish I had advice for you. I know my situation is so different from yours, but I really get what you mean about never being an insecure or jealous person because I was never either of those until now. I really hope you are able to work thru this and I wish you the best !

brokenman 20 months ago

my wife was in iraq, for weeks i told her to leave this "friend" alone, she always said they just hung out and nothing will happen, i began to notice she didnt want to spend time with me online and so on, long story short she began to lie said he was gone but the whole time she was cheating with him,i knew something was wrong and it all came out cause he was really gone now, he came back 3 weeks later, again she cheated with him, even after we talked it out and i asked her to come back to me and she said she woulod not do that again, she did. its been 2yrs of hell anger pain, how do i set myself free from this, i feel so down n out, so left behind, hurt. yes i want to make it work, i truly do. but iam stuck in the same room, a room that is my hell, a room that is dark cold and lifeless.

joseph 20 months ago

my wife cheated on me and i just found out and she says i made her do it,the thing is she dont want to talk about it nor get no type of counciling and i dont know what to do.We have 3 kids and do well until she is in her words lust for another man and we are not doing to well in our marriage.What can i do to get myself together and back on track cause she say i would always bring this up!

sosorry8604 20 months ago

I am at a loss...in June of 09 my husband and I were taking a break and I had a one night stand with a man we both knew...i told him the next day b/c i realized the HUGE mistake i made and he took me back...now a yr and a half later he says he cant forgive me and wants to leave...he says he loves me deeply and doesnt want anyone else but cant forgive me...i have done all in my power to show him how truly sorry i am and that i never want anyone but him again, but he just cant move on...i personalyl have suggested counceling but he says "the divorce rate is higher in marriage councelors then regular people" therefore he wont go....any advice for either us on this matter?? I truly am sorry and could never dream of hurting him again in my life...I do not want to lost him b/c of this horrible hurtful mistake...what can be done??

32 year marriage 19 months ago

Thank you for your column. You have a big heart and give good advice. I will live through this devestation if I do not commit suicide first. I am unable to sleep and have little appetite.

hi 19 months ago

How do we email you privately?

Ct 19 months ago

Found out today that my girlfriend of 4 yrs recently cheated on me. I love her endlessly and honestly I'm not upset but somewhat a peace knowing. I speculated for weeks that something was wrong but couldn't figure it out. I want to forgive her she expresses remorse for doing it but I want her to feel my pain b4 I give in. What should I do

Liza 18 months ago

Just found out my bf of 4 years has been cheating on me for

4 months in the past. He is no longer with her. He says he felt guilty and that's why they ended it. He has continued to talk to her over the past few months but the cheating had stopped. He says he's sorry and wants to make it up to me. He agrees that he needs help, but hasn't made any initiative to get therapy or help. What should I do?

Riaz ul Hassan 18 months ago

My name is riaz and i am a muslim,

in muslims cheating is not allowed, if sex is involved then we can leave the spouse immidiately.

in 2008 i came for work in saudi arabia,

in pakistan i left my wife and two children, age now 6 and 4,

my vacations was for every two years for 45 days,

so i decided to go pakistan on june 2010 but due to some reasons i could not go.

so i tried and bring my family on visit to saudi arabia for 3 months,

when my wife arrived i feel some new things in her, so i asked from her is he had affair with my cousion but she said that he was calling him just two three time in a month,

by chance i open the email of my cousion and found his mobile bills. and foungd that he was calling to her in a month near about twenty times and some of calls duration was 45 minutes,

so i showed the bills to my wife and then she accept and also said to me that they have phone sex with each other,

before my marriage my cousion and my wife love each other and due to some family terms they could not marry each other, so i married her,

my cousion is a flurt person and there are differentgirls in his life, my wife also know these things but she did love emotionally because my cousin was not happy with his wife and my wife knoew this situation.

now i want to forgive her and want to for get every thing because we love each other two much and want to live togather,

but my mind is still not coming smooth and i am feeling not relax now three months finish for her stay,but i will have extend it for more three months,

Jeff 17 months ago

My girlfriend is 4 months pregnant and she just recently admitted that she cheated on me with another man just once (so she saids). She's not 100% sure that the baby is mine but she swears the baby is mine. I've been with her for 6 years and I've always said I would leave if she ever cheated on me. I'm stuck because I don't know if I'm suppose to stay because shes pregnant but what if it turns out to not be my baby. I would feel really stupid and embarrassed in front of my friends and family if that happen. She told me she loves me a lot and she wants to be with me forever and have this baby with me. Shes trying to find a way to get a paternity test ASAP, but I told her either way I'll be leaving her.

I love her a lot but I just don't know what to do. Does it help that I'm only 24?

If it does turn out not to be my baby, then I would obviously leave.

im really mad, and sad :(

talia 17 months ago

Please email me Melanie. I need private help. I have a complicated situation but essentially no different than that of everyone else hurt and troubled here. Rveezoo07@gmail.com thank you!

karen 17 months ago

My dad just recently found out my stepmom has been having an inappropriate relationship with a man at work. She claims she never had sex with him they only spoke on the phone, facebook, & secretly at work. They are now going to counceling and my issue is that she has never shown any remource for what she's done. She gets mad if he questions her about anything. She says its over. My dad seems to be begging her rather than her begging him to forgive her. Its really frustrating and now I,m just supposed to sit back and watch him lose his dignity and self confidence.

so confused 16 months ago

this is pretty much my last option.

i have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. we dated half way through high school and into college (he is 2 years older). about 2 years ago we were going through a rough patch and a few days before we broke up he cheated on me. i didn't find out until 4 months later when we got back together. just a month ago he came to visit me at school (i attend college a few states away from where he does) and he told me he had cheated on my with a girl that has always liked him. they had a fling briefly before we began dating 4 years ago. she never seemed to let go. he never talked to her and when he ran into her at the store she ended up going to his house to hang out with his friends and they had sex. we have only had sex with each other and not only having it be THAT girl but the fact that he had sex with another person in general is the main problem. he is so sorry about it and is going to counseling and doing everything possible to make things better. i cant even explain the amount he has changed to make things right. but for some reason i cannont trust him at all and being intimate with him just does not feel the same. i am being mean to him and constantly bringing it up and i dont know how to stop. should i leave him or is there any hope in getting better? i love him but i cant stay this hurt forever.

so confused 16 months ago

I see what your saying and to be honest, he says the same thing. I also kinda forgot to mention the part that when they went to have sex he couldn't do it...He says it's because he was drunk and his subconcious wasn't letting him. He is in counseling now and has asked me to come numerous times....

It's hard for me because I feel SO stupid. I know he won't do it again but that doesn't change the fact that I feel as if people have lost respect for me...Did you feel the same way?

How do you feel good about a relationship where cheating was involved? I might sound shallow but i'm being honest here....How will anyone ever say "what a good relationship you have" or "he is so great".

rambo 16 months ago

Wow, I am in the midst of a lot of pain. So many people are hurting. Isn't that sad? For what? Sex? Wow. We put so much power into that three letter word. Long story - my husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. 2nd marriage for both, blended family, the whole works. My first husband chose another woman who had kids and basically chose to have another family. My kids suffered tremendously. I met and fell in love with my now husband, forgave the first one and I thought most things were pretty good. (did the first time too). He wanted to be an actor so I worked while he stayed home with our kids (we ((or should I say he)) has custody of this 3 daughters. Total of 5. I worked at least 2 jobs the entire time of our marriage. Thankfully, they were in sales and my time was flexible so I was able to be home a lot as well. He did not have a job except not take care of the house and work on acting. He got a job and evidently had a one night stand at a show 4 years ago. We have had issues ever since but not once did I think it was about infidelity. But now I know why he was so sad all the time. Depressed. I felt bad for him. I couldn't make him feel better. Then we lost my mortgage business and money became very tight. I had cancer all of last year and could not and can not figure out why we aren't happy and how come I can't figure out my life. Epiphany comes - I ask him if he cheated on me. OUT OF THE BLUE I ask him this....for no real reason. His look in his eyes tell me I hit it straight on. He then tried to figure out who I might have talked to, who put this in my brain. I said God. He waited 24 hours and finally broke down and told me. I have been a basket case ever since. Being the step mom and cancer survivor and STILL the breadwinner, if I leave, I won't see the girls again. Their mom hates me so much for being there and financially supporting them. My husband has been throwing Christinity around our house for so long now it isn't funny. What a hypocrite. I am angry. I don't know what to do. I know in my heart it isn't true, but really...twice in one lifetime with two different marriages???? REALLY? and I simply feel NOT GOOD ENOUGH. and I will never ever be Good Enough. For anyone. I think I can forgive. Never forget. I don't know how to stay and not be a major bitch. Or leave and know for a fact those girls will suffer without me. He said he would be fine living in a shack - that he wasn't staying with me because of money (we don't have any extra anymore but I sitll make more than he does) or because I am what I now call myself - The Nanny. He is asleep right now. What right does he have to do this? Why isn't he still asking for forgiveness. Once isn't enough. He is constantly telling me by his actions that he is either stupid or unwilling to try harder. He says he has lived with this and would never have told me. I say that means he has put our relationship through hell because he has been through hell. I am totally with "so confused" as part of the honesty here is, "what will everyone say" and they will all know that I am not good enough. Cancer was easier to survive than this. And I went through 6 months of chemotherapy and radiation. Would trade that for this EVERY day.

Michellekpeaches 15 months ago

My husband of 14 years whom I have three small children ranging in ages from 1-12 had an affair with a younger women. It went on for four years and he even had a child with her. She was married as well. He has since parted ways with this women and has no contact with the other child. The way I found out is he told me that he no longer wanted to be with me and was leaving me for her and the other child. He left for a night and returned home. Promised he would stop talking to her and of course he didn't the last time he had contact with her was six months ago. He tells me he loves me and wants to make things work between me and him and that he loves my family. At this point I cannot believe a word he says. I know its crazy but I still love him! I want this to work. I just resent him soooo much its crazy. Since this has all happened I haven't been the same person. I really lost who I was and everything I cared about and was close too I let go. I just kinda have given up. Down to my housework is even lacking...is this normal..how can I get back myself back? After a four year affair am I kidding myself by staying with this man? Do you believe he could still have and still does love me through all this?

Bowbow 15 months ago

been married for 15+ years. First Year is always the worse i now know. wife had couple kids from other men & i had to learn to deal with them being HUGE @$$holes taking us to court & things for years; every week the wife would run to her mom's or friend's for a weekend or something b/c she was mad at me for any little thing. Week after week, several times a week, she said it was over. After a year or so, i believed her (esp. when sex got to be once a month) & ended up having a couple times with a woman. I was supposed to be a Christian, so my guilt drove me to never return to the woman. i was too weak, scared & pathetic to tell my wife (i was so plagued with guilt; still am) until she found out almost year later. she agreed to forgive & work it out but it was a hard fight thoughout years. finances took a hard punch at us, so stress made things really rough. now, more than 15 years later she is punishing me for the affair, holding back sex & any type of kindness or affection; and she does not want me to give he any such to her either. it's been a year & the emotional & physical stress is killing me. no sex, no affection, no touching, no conversations. she wants no professional help or anyting, but she won't actually Separate or sign any Papers, nor leave the house; i said that i would go instead, but i am not the one trying to dissolve the marriage or complain about it - she is. i think of the kids & don't want to stress them out by breakin up the family. i am still very kind & loving to her regardless how she treats me, but i still feel very pained by her vicious words & repeated efforts to bring up ALL my sins or mistakes from our entire marriage, bbig or small. the loneliness & desperation is overwhelming. as far as i know, she has not cheated, but always threatens to do so; i have not repeated my horrible sins. to her, that doesn't matter; i did it & that's that! so how does a man handle this??? trying to keep right attitude toward women, but she makes it very hard doing that. i still love her very much, but i'm only human & can only take so much for so long.

What a weekend 15 months ago

I've only been dating my guy for a year and a bit but I thought he was the one. He followed me back home to Europe when I had to work oversees. He spent alot of time with my family and friends and they adore him. I also love his family and everyone thinks we're great together and I thought we were too.

At the beginning of January we moved into our own place together (we'd kind of been living together but in shared apartments with other people). This was our home. He told me he loved me and I never ever doubted him.

Last weekend I found old email threads. He had been emailing old lovers.. explicitly, back and forth for over 3 weeks. He said it started when he was drunk but he answered emails during the day when he was at work and even in the morning after we'd been in bed together. Telling his old lover that he had been having sexual dreams about her all night. He then asked both of them repeatedly when they'd next be in town and whether they could meet up. If that wasn't bad enough, I also find out that he replied to adverts on craigslist, sending pictures of his privates and asking if they lived in our city. He also posted his details I believe. I feel disgusted, violated and betrayed. He tells me he could never ever, ever physically cheat on me and hasn't. I believe he hasn't but I will always be wondering if he would have if I'd never discovered these emails. He deleted his messenger and said he only went on that once, but I don't know now as he deleted it before I could see it. I emailed the girls (he let me) and I honestly believe they wouldn't have met them (one is a mother now and hasn't seen him in 4 years and he contacted her out of the blue 3 weeks ago. She just replied for fun). I believe her. If he was single, no big deal but he's with me. He's so embarrased and ashamed I've told alot of our friends as I want him to feel the hurt Im feeling. He's talking to an old friend tonight and has a meeting with a therapist on Saturday.

However, to add insult to injury.. I'm trying to resolve this and last night I got home from work to him watching an internet porn site. Like really? I am no prude, I am fine with him watching porn. But at this SENSITIVE time.. His reasoning.. I needed a release after 5 days of no sex. I totally understand that but getting on the internet?.. He said he's sorry and wants to make it work and will do ANYTHING for me to forgive him. I have no idea what to do.. any thoughts appreciated. I'm not sure that I can ever forget this, but I can't believe he did this to me.. and is this relationship really really going to end over something so stupid?

Lia85 15 months ago

I have been married for 34 years. I h

Localgurl 15 months ago

Hi Melanie,

My story is similar to the others, I have been with my husband for 9 yrs married for 1 yr. Four years ago I found out that i had cancer and had a lobectomy and chemotherapy-thinking that was the worst part of my life I was wrong. I gave birth 8 months ago and when my son was 2 months old I caught my husband receiving pictures on his email from a coworker, when I asked him if he was fooling around he admitted it and I kicked him out. I trusted him so much and "allowed" him to do things that other wives didn't because he was the perfect gentleman. After I talked to him the day after I kicked him out I found out that he had casual sex with another coworker while I was doing my chemotherapy. Because I was not done with the relationship and he asked to work things out I did it has been 6 months since I found out about the affair and while he has been as honest as I think he is I am now having second thoughts about working things out. We both want to do therapy but since it so expensive we have been trying to talk things out while saving for therapy sessions, however I don't think I'm gonna last. I do love him and he loves me, but I don't think my love for him is strong enough for me to hang on. I haven't yelled at him or went crazy yet and I was wondering if I need to get upset with him and show it before I can really move on and forgive

sam 15 months ago

i dated a girl for 2years i am only 19 i meet her my junor year but in 8th grade my best friend who was always there for me i came to her with my probs and she cam to me and when i got with my gf xgf me and my best friend put distance betwen us actully we stoped talking and she was my what if girl like the one girl i would wonder what it would of been like to be in a relaion ship with and 15 mounths into mine and my gfs relationship me and my best friend had a 2day thing but i walked away and i told my gf after time and she wants to get over it but cant and i only want her and i try so hard to help her 4get but nothen seems to help she had left me for a few guys and i got over it fast but she cant let go and she really wants to is there anything i can do to help her 4get

Scorpio27free 15 months ago

Yesterday my husband of 10 years told me that less than 30 days ago he had an intimate encounter with another woman. it was the first time. We had been having issue already for the past 2 and half years. The issues were communication, my expectation from him across the board...help around the house, support with finances etc., our physical relationship (the lack there of) on my end and him wanting to be more physical.

I didn't want to have a sex when the other issues where not being addresses. So now we are here and the sad part is I have no idea what I really feel. I keep thinking that this is partly my fault and I told him that. He would not let me apologize. He is remorseful, ashame and is willing to wait for me to process it all.

I haven't asked for details, I let him tell me what he could muster up to say. He told me how it started and how it got to the point it did. He told me that he would answer any questions I had. I just don't have any right now.

He wants to do counseling right away and I just don't. I'm walking around in a daze and have no idea what to do. I keep crying off and on and I'm not sure why. I just never thought it was this bad, I knew it was bad, but enough for him to go outside our marriage for sex.

What do you recommend for me? We have a 3 year old and I have a 17 year old from a previous marriage that ended because of cheating and other issues as well. This just keep happening to me and I know in my heart or at least I feel that its my fault. This is my 3rd marriage, the first one ended because of the same reason, but I was much younger and just left it. Sometimes I wish I had the courage at the time to work it out. I just don't know what to do because I do love him and I believe he loves me. But, just don't understand why people do things to intentionally hurt people. How I figured it out and he admitted it was his lack of performance was not how it has ever been since we have been together. I knew instantly he had sex with someone else. So I asked and he said he did.

So now what?

Scorpio27free 14 months ago

Well the bottom fell out and she is pregnant. Oh well...guess I have my answer. Not sure if they will decide to go forward with the pregnancy, that is for them to decide. He doesn't want to for obvious reasons, he says he is in love with me and wants to work it out.

However, I told him that if they went forward with the pregnancy that is not a situation I could work on. If they decided not to go through with it, I may be able to work on us if the relationship they have ended. Not sure if things would work out in the end, but was willing to try.

She's in love with him and I believe he loves her. Not to the same level, but there had to be something there for him to end up in this predicament. Trust is gone and not sure with counseling it can be repaired.

What would make me happy in the end is if he would continue to give our 3 year old as much of his time as possible. My 17 year old will be headed to college in the Fall.

Just need confirmation I am thinking straight.

Jame 14 months ago

Hey i have a questions.

My girlfriend cheated on me and I wonder if i should forgive her. She was really drunk and she drove to one of her friend house to get sober up and nap. and than her friend made a move on her they started to kiss and feel. no sex no finger. just kissing and she feel on him for like 2 min. She felt very guilt and embarrassed that she did it to me. She told me she doesn't know what she was doing cause she was a bit drunk when she woke up. And I knew she cheated on me. But i have to make her tell me, cause she was scared and embarrassed of what she did and doesn't know how to face me.

I really loved her. And I though i can trust her.

tilden755 14 months ago

I just found out my chsband of 22 years cheated on me. I feel like I am going crazy. I went to the Dr. twice and they wanted to put me in the hospital. I have never been so hurt, sad and feeling so low. I dont understand why I do everything for him. The house is always clean, up every morning make him breakfast, make his lunch and always have a good supper for him when he gets home from work. I love him to no end. give him lots of compliments for everything.I work part time and my business is in my home. The bad part is it always seems he thinks he's all it. when we go someplace it seems all he does is look around. Well I have a big question... I am a hairdresser, It seems men never get much of a punishment for this (my mom said get over it it happens to people everyday) which wasnt very nice. He is going to get his BIG PUNISHMENT this week. Well he wants a haircut and I am going to turn him away from the mirror and POOF his hair is going to be gone I am starting in the front and going right down the middle first. Thats not even close to how low and worthless I feel.

Scorpio27free 14 months ago

Tilden755...found through my own experience people on the outside see things differently than we do. One thing I know for sure is cheating is about the other person not YOU! It is a selfish act and one day you will realize that. There is no reason a spouse should go outside of their marriage. They should be man or woman enough to let the other know about whatever feelings or conflicts are going on. So do the haircut make it GOOD one. You may feel be good or bad about it later, but revenge is best serve cold and often.

tilden755 14 months ago

It has been 5 weeks and this is the first day of not crying.Sometimes feel like I am feeling sorry for myself. do not think I desreved this I do everything for him except wipe his butt!!I have been to 4 DRs and the minister. They all think I shouldnt put up with it, I he doesnt apprciate anything. house always clean , Make him breakfast and his lunch and big supper usurally mashed potatoes,gravy meat veg and salad. I bake all the time. WELL I SHAVED EVERY BIT OF HIS HAIR OFF I did give him a choice if he wanted his eyebrows or not. Wasnt that nice of me. He was kinda mad but I have decided I am Not going to take anymore s--- from anyone anymore shaving his hair off made me feel pretty good. maybe he wont be thinking he is so good looking and arrigant, I cant stand that in a person. Hope it will get better, Im still here

melissakay 13 months ago

where do i start ok my story is alot diferent then anything that i've read on here anyway my boyfriend was in jail three years ago i slept with my ex boyfriend and found out that i was pregrent of course my boyfriend broke up with me. Then my ex denied the baby, he didnt want nothing to do with me or the baby so my boyfriend forgives me and raises my daughter as his own i get pregrent by boyfriend and i was five months pregrent when rumors started that boyfriend was cheating i know the girl that he was cheating on me with so one day my daughter looks at picture and says her name my daughter was only 2 at the time and didnt know the girl at least i didnt know she knew her the fighting with me and my boyfriend got bad he would call me names for no reason and pick fights with me i finally had my second daughter he always went out of town while im at the hospital having my second daughter by the way he was not there my sister calls to tell me the rumors were true and he was out of town with her and after i came home he begged for me to forgive him and we got back to together then i found out again he never stop cheatin then that wasnt even the worst part he let that girl buy my daughters first pair of shoes acted like he did until the whole truth came out and it was a 7 month affair i went through it all the stress and dresspion i lost most of my hair and gained 30 pounds i have been through hell and back and its been about a year and i still wonder if hes tellin me the truth could he be lyin to me again and what to do the worst thing he did and the thing that hurst the worst is he added my daughters to this affair do i even have the right to be mad i mean i had a child with another man i dont know what to do i do love him or am i just scared to be alone i dont even know anymore

tilden755 13 months ago

this is just unreal. What are people thjnking anymore. Where is love and cherish forever gone. I dont think I would be able to trust him at all. Its never going to go away NEVER. You must have read my situation, I just e-mailed my husband and said I want him to get a lie detector test because I believe he has cheated many times and this is just the first time getting caught and he wouldnt have gotten caught if i ddnt have a feeling so i noticed the passenger side door was unlocked and i kept asking on and on and he told me. other wise he would have gotten away with it again theat why i need him to have the test how any times has he one this to me. I am always home I make him breakfast, make his lunch and have a good supper ready when he comes home. I treat him like a king. He does nothing for me and I am wondering now when will it ever be my turn. I think he is just selfish. but like you I love him and dont want to be alone. my kids are grown so i dont have that to worry about but its still scary. I thought he was my best friend. I still cry every day and am so sad I wish it would go away

anon 13 months ago

i just found out my boyfriend of 2 years was cheating on me the entire time of our relationship. i have know him for 17 years of my life. he is my best friend and i love him very much.

i know his reasons for cheating were not about love, but trying to fulfill something in himself that he couldn't figure out how to deal with. he had too much shame to tell me anything, and just continued with the other relationship because he liked the twisted attention he was getting and because he was just a coward and afraid.

i haven't decided what to do, whether to stay with him. as i get older, the prospect of starting over and meeting someone new you can trust becomes hard. and throwing away a relationship that means so much is so hard.

the one thing i realize is that when people cheat, it is because of something they can't figure out in themselves. it can used as a self destructive behaviour, or trying to solve or satisfy some issue in themselves about relationships. it can be escapism. the one thing i told my partner is to really look at himself and figure out what he really wants and needs in life. and then let me know if our relationship is what he wants. there is no point in being with someone if they think they want something else.

regret and resentment on both sides is not a way to have a fulfilling life, no matter how much you love someone.

trust is so hard to rebuild, especially when something like this comes to light, and you feel so awful and embarassed that you had been aware of it or picked up on it.

anon 13 months ago

oops. i meant to say that you feel embarassed and stupid that you DIDN't know it was going on.

i am having a hard time figuring out if i will be able to trust my friend again. he has been part of my life for most of my life, so cutting him out of it seems wrong to me.

i told him i want him to take care of himself, to grow up and take responsibility for his life and figure out what he wants and not waste my time. i am going to focus on myself and take care of myself.

i know he loves me very much and what he did was selfish and confusing. its painful, but taking time away from the situation and really deciding what is best for you, is the only thing you can do. then from there you can take it step by step.

one commenter mentioned you can love someone and forgive them, but that doesn't mean you have continue a relationship with them.

i think this is very true. don't let the fears of loneliness, etc that arise, make you feel like you have to stay in the relationship.

you have only one life, and you need to take care it. love is about nuturing and taking care of each other. its about honesty and respect. if the other person is incapable of that, then the answer should be very clear.

hope my comments help someone. i hope they help me too...

samantha 12 months ago

i recently found out that my fiance was texting this girl that he works with. he had put her number in his phone under a guys name hiding it from me. i had told him to stop and i talked to the girl and told her stop as well they both said ok and sorry.

a few weeks pasted and i found again by her that they were texting for the past few weeks. my fiance had told me that she texted him a few times and he responded twice, but didnt tell me about it.

as far as i know they are not texting nor talking at work. but our sex life has changed dramastically, he has been denying it everyday. then when i ask him if he getting it from other ppl he gets mad and says no.

i have stayed with him because we have a 6 month baby and i really do love him after 3 years i dont know what id do without him.

samantha 12 months ago

i recently found out that my fiance was texting this girl that he works with. he had put her number in his phone under a guys name hiding it from me. i had told him to stop and i talked to the girl and told her stop as well they both said ok and sorry.

a few weeks pasted and i found again by her that they were texting for the past few weeks. my fiance had told me that she texted him a few times and he responded twice, but didnt tell me about it.

as far as i know they are not texting nor talking at work. but our sex life has changed dramastically, he has been denying it everyday. then when i ask him if he getting it from other ppl he gets mad and says no.

i have stayed with him because we have a 6 month baby and i really do love him after 3 years i dont know what id do without him.

broken hearted 12 months ago

I found out that my fiance of 3 year cheated on me with two women. One was a friend of mine and the other was a coworker of his. I have forgiven him but there is a promblem

He has told me everything that has happened and want a second chance. He keeps saying that he was being stupid and he didn't see what was right in front of him. I do believe he is telling the truth. The fact is i don't know what do anymore. I love him so much and it hurts so bad to think he has been with these women.

He is basically dying inside from the way i see him.

My question is....how can we work this out if i give him a second chance?

Taylor 12 months ago

My boyfriend of three years and I got into a huge fight on New Years, one so big we almost broke up. I just found out yesterday that he slept with his ex-girlfriend, she is also the mother of his 3 year old daughter, a few days after our fight. He also told me she is now pregnant. This was the man I was planning on spending the rest of my life with and starting my own family with. I was just looking for some advice on what to do or how to learn to forgive him.

broken hearted 12 months ago

taylor i know a girl in the same situation. Even though she loved him she let him go.

jools32 12 months ago

hi, i had a very brief affair over three years ago!! i told my partner of 8 years and suggested splitting up as he would never be able to forgive me, he said it was all his fault and he understood why i did it, our relationship improved over the next 6 months and i thought we were happy, i found out i was pregnant the same time i found out he'd been cheating on me for 5 months. i confronted him about this but he denied it, even though id heard it from the woman he had been sleeping with! i also found out he'd met someone when he was on holiday, i confronted him straight away but again he denied it, this carried on for 2 years every time i found txts, or that he'd met her for a weekend away he still denied it even though i had proof!!!

i feel that i was emotionally unstable at the time, being pregnant with my first child, i wanted to believe him because the truth was too much to take, i had an awfull time, and he was very distant throughout my pregnancy saying the child wasnt his, after the baby was born he was physically violant twice!

the past few months his behaviour has improved, and he will eventually talk to me about what happened, but still blames what i did for the way he behaved. i know it isnt my fault, but i still let the blame fall on me, i just want my child to have a happy upbringing with two loving parents, should i forgive him for what he did?? am i to blame for what he did???, or should i leave because he will never truely forgive me???

please advise i just dont know what to do anymore!!!

bjlyn 11 months ago

So Im so utterly confused and dont know which way to go, My boyfriend and i have been together 2yrs im surrently 36 weeks pregnant, ive known him my whole life he was my first kiss when i was a child, as we got older drifted apart he has 2 kids with another woman and they split right after the 2nd one due just 11 short months after the first..the mother currently has lost custody on thee kids and we r pushing to get them,, its a even longer story but thats the sum of it,

So when we started talking again over 2 yrs ago he was living in another state in a bad circumstance do to the way things had ended with his kids mother the yr prior.

From the time we started dating we have always but heads but we both always say there is nothing our love cant ovr come. He found a job in my state and we moved in together and have fought tooth and nail to fix his situation, get custody of his other kids and just be happy. I always felt this is wat real love should b like u and the other person fighting for what u want together.

i have been seriously cheated on in the past and to some extent always have that in the back of my head..But never did i ever expect this..when we first moved out together we had a huge blow up i left for the night and retreated to my parents, When we do get in a fight tell him i AM cheating on him to hurt him because i fell its the only way i can get a reaction from him (im aware this is so wrong) For the most part this man truly adores me i mean nothing he doesnt do for me.

Well last night we got into a huge fighti said i was leaving again and took a bag and everything i never had any intention of staying out all night just wanted to scare him of it so he would apoligize for hurting my feelings...

He winded up staying out all night and to my surprise he was with a female coworker well younger then him,, he had been tlking to her the past 3 weeks and said he never ment for anything to come of it and he only wanted to accomplish staying out all night and haveing me worry he was doing things even though he already felt i had been cheating on him because of my own mouth...

We talked a lot today and i learned he never had sex with her, she did try to make a move on the situation but he was unable to do anything then make out with him for a few minutes and she even felt she wasnt doing things right he just told her he couldnt,, i confirmed the story with the female as well. She also says nothing came of it and has apoligized to me emensly for pursuing him and work.. I told her it takes to im not about to just blame 1..

Ive never in my whole life seen him cry and today he was inconsolable for what he did exspecially since i been in the hospital with complications for our baby.. He swears he loves me and dont know what he was thinking, im his world, and every other suck up thing he can say, Im not blaming myself but i know i played a part in things and with me being a nut B*** this pregnancy.

He wants to spend the rest of his life making it up to me and told me he couldnt go through with anything because he only loves me and doesnt know what he was thinking to begin with,, i cant help looking at him and seeing a liar.. We have fought for so much in the past 2 yrs and worked so hard for what we have.. I love him so deeply and i dont know how to feel when he says he didnt ever mean to hurt me and will never do it again, my heart tells me to forgive, my family and friends say everyone is human and deserves a 2nd chance, WHERE can we start to have a second chance.. i left our home to gain some perspective thats y i am here.. i feel so bad for the stress this is placing on my pregnancy, and i feel if he ever truly loved me how can he just ignor that and be so selfish?

clueless 10 months ago

Is was another way around the the things is the person i love most cheated on me! after a long years of knowing him.. i meet him around 2008.. he make me fall in love in him and we meet personal at 2010 and YOU AND ME history happened..he already ask me to marry him. and then one day i found out in any cost.. thru mr. google that he is have a wife and children.. dream falls down.. i really devastated. He totally ruin my life! Can I ask for an advice.. i cant really hardly take it inside..how happily ever after he glimpsed in my eyes was a lie.. that the forever he says... its that I'm forever crying.. i just really cant take it! WHY HE CHEATED ON ME! to extend that he has a children and wife already...

clueless 10 months ago

Is was another way around the the things is the person i love most cheated on me! after a long years of knowing him.. i meet him around 2008.. he make me fall in love in him and we meet personal at 2010 and YOU AND ME history happened..he already ask me to marry him. and then one day i found out in any cost.. thru mr. google that he is have a wife and children.. dream falls down.. i really devastated. He totally ruin my life! Can I ask for an advice.. i cant really hardly take it inside..how happily ever after he glimpsed in my eyes was a lie.. that the forever he says... its that I'm forever crying.. i just really cant take it! WHY HE CHEATED ON ME! to extend that he has a children and wife already...

cantletgo 9 months ago

I am at a cross road.

I found out my husband was having an affair last year with a work colleague. It all started at their christmas party while i was 6 months pregnant. I found texts on his phone. I was suspicious he was having an affair from his behaviour and the fact that he was away from home a lot more than normal but i was so tired and engrossed in being a new mum that i didn't confront him until i found the text. they were so hurtful, he was using words and sentences he used with me to this woman. he was planning on leaving me.

when i confronted him, he said he was "pleased he got caught" as he didn't know how to end it. He said he was confused and not in a good place and scared to be a father again. he was sorry for what he had done.

I decided to work on the relationship as i didn't want another failed marriage and the fact as well that i do love him. a year on, he has done everything possible to prove that he loves me and that me and or son are his life. i have not reason to doubt him. We have been very honest to each other having had long honest conversation about how i feel during this last year but i CAN'T let go. I am still angry......

every so often i get moments/days where i am so angry, asking myself why he did it, how could he do this to me, he said he loved her in their text.

I don't know what to do. part of me still want to be with him but how can i let go - do you ever let go?

Don'twanttoloseourlove 8 months ago

Recently my husband found some emails that I had written to my ex husband from 20 years ago. They were not sexual they were more about the old days when we were together and how I felt when I was with him. My current husband and I have been married for 3 years now and we have a 3 year old son together. When I was pregnant he would have left me if it weren't for me begging and crying for him to stay (over me being moody). Ever since then I have never felt like he was actually here for me that he was just staying because of our son. During the pregnancy his ex girlfriend would call and text him all the time. I felt like I couldn't trust him and I use to check his phone records all the time and found where several times he had not been honest with me about it. When I asked him he told me the truth but I did not trust him but I finally let it go and stopped snooping. Since then he has made me feel that he has one foot in and one foot out the door. I have felt very insecure in my marriage or that I make him happy. When my ex got in touch with me it was for a reason not to cheat... but as we talked we reminisced about old times and I honestly told him that I had never felt good about myself in my current marriage and he would bust my confidence up with flattering comments. My husband and I have separated because of this and he wants to seek marriage counseling but he is not sure that he can forgive me. I have NOT had any sexual relations with my ex nor do I have the feelings that I use to have for him 20 years ago. I love my husband and our family but I am worried because he told me that it is the same as cheating and that I should have just went out and had a one night stand with someone. He thinks that I was lining up a relationship. I want my husband to come home and us get past this but am I asking too much for him to please forgive me and lets work on our marriage because we have had major issues basically since we got married?

Lauren 8 months ago

i forgave my boyfriend for cheating on me with my bestfriend and for unfaithful acts here and there before that. he told me he got scared because we were moving too fast. but a year later and intentionally, were together now and moved in together and had a baby boy. i still dont feel like im over what he did. and i feel bad because if i forgave him i need to let what he did go. but i CANT. i still resent him for it. i have never felt such pain. and worse than that, he is so jealous and over protective now with ANYTHING i do, when i have always been 100% faithful to him because he is guilty and is scared i will try to get back at him. we are planning on getting engaged and married and have big plans for the fiuture. he is a great father and boyfriend now and works very hard but i dont want to live the rest of my life with this is my heart. and i feel the more and more i grow and the more and more i know that i will NOT forgive him if he ever did anything again, the wiser i get.. the further i push him away and the unhappier i feel in our relationship. i always feel like we could never live happily ever after when its in my mind that he could do that to me. that he could even want to touch and look at another woman like that. i want the man that i spend the rest of my life with to find me to be the ONLY woman desirable. now i dream about my ex that i dated about 3 years ago.. then i get confused about missing him.. im 18 and i do want my family to stay together and like i said hes different now. but im still young and i want to find true happiness and sometimes idk if i can have that with him noww. i do love him and care about him beyond words, we can be so happy together, hes like my best friend now but i look at him completely different now. i just hope i didnt want to stay with him before because i wanted to prove something to myself like im better then my friend he slept with, like he didnt choose her over me or something.. i even had a dream about spider webs, i looked it up and it said to feel trapped in an unsatisfying relationship.. what do i do?

ankit 7 months ago

how do i write to you?

my girlfriend cheated and i cannot believe it... i read your post. she is very apologetic about it. i want to forgive her. we are in a long distance serious relationship but whenever i see a photo of hers the thought of her having been with some other guy haunts me. what do i do?:'(

amam 6 months ago

i have been with my boyfriend for 6 yrs. just the other day i was in his msn without him knowing, he was chatting with a woman they spoke of there recent one and only date how they missed each others kissing and hugging, they were setting up another date but nothing definite. i confronted him asked if he had ever cheating and of course he said no.I told him i didnt believe him and i would prove he was lying.( i wanted time to see if the second date would happen)I couldnt wait any longer He continued to lie so 2 days later i showed the msn diaolog, he tried to get out of it but realized he was caught. we was very sorry, full of guilt and embrassement

crying to a point were he couldnt stop. I asked him detailed questions on what had happeneed he

told me everything. i had this womans number,(he didnt know) she was very nice and i also asked her the same questions the answers were both the same. basically it went like this: they chatted on msn about 8 times in the last 2 months, they met up once during the day for an hour they kissed a little hugging and she went down on him(he didnt have an orgasam it was to fast). weeks later they were chatting again setting up a date but they were both busy and left it to maybe next week. (this is the conversation i saw). The next date was going to be sex. I intervened and it never happened. today he is begging for me, he is promising me everything and I beleive him. We love each other very much....him even more (if you can believe that)I just don't know how to take the image of them out of my mind. I dont know if i should forgive him?? I know his love is deep. he says he made a big mistake something that just happened. He cries constantly doesnt eat or sleep he is in rough shape full of guilt and remorse. i love him one day hate him the next. How bad is what he did? What should I do? Pls help Im going crazy.

broken and confused 5 months ago

i have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, everyday 20 times a day he tells me how beautiful and wonderful i am and how much i mean to him. i love him more than i thought i could love anyone in my life (im 37 btw). we are always laughing and having a great time. but i found out early in our relationship that he had been seeing and sleeping with his ex girlfriend and he could give me no excuse why. he cried and begged me not to leave him so i stayed. for the past 2 years this has been an ongoing issue with her and only her, and in this time we found out she had cancer. for the past 8 months i thought it had been over with her and in november she past away. he cried and took it very hard and i was mad and couldnt understand why it was so hard when they were supposed to be "over". i found out last night from her best friend that he was still seeing her and having sex with her up until the day she died. at first he denied it but quickly admitted it afterward. he has cried and truely seems sorry and like this is all causing him pain. i asked him why he did it and he says he is in love with me but he was also still in love with her. i am so hurt and dont know if i should stay or leave. i cant imagine my life without him but the thought of all this kills me. should i stay and forgive him now that she is past and completely out of the picture?

broken and confused :(

E.R.M.21 5 months ago

I'm 21 just returned from a 6 month deployment over seas and found out that my wife cheated on me three times with a co worker while I was gone, her explination was because she felt so lonely, but I was feeling alone too and was able to walk away from temptation. I'm so devistated, destroyed emotionally, shocked hurt and feel so alone. I love my wife so much and can't see myself without her, I just don't know what to do. In trying so desperately to forgive her but trusting her is an issue. She told me after the third time she knew she couldn't do it anymore each time just made her feel more an more alone, and so she stopped, how do I inlaid can trust her, how do I know im truly the man that she wants, after everything I have done for us,after the sacrifices I have made for her and this country, how can you betray someone the way she had betray me, someone please help!

mellymel 4 months ago

I'm so tired/confused/stressed out....etc.

Me and this guy have been dating on and off for about 10 months. Recently I found out he was cheating on me with his ex girlfriend.He was not officially dating her at the time but he was still kissing her hanging out with her and telling me otherwise. Me and her have spoke and cleared everything. Afterwards he explained everything to me and said how he was torn. He liked me but was in love with her. He was trying to move on but couldn't. What made it hard was she cheated on him and he didnt know if he should stay or go, so he stayed but moved on to me carrying this lack of trust over into our relationship. He has apologized and its been 6 months since the incident. We are together and he's open and honest with me. Our parents are involved in one anothers life and we are both in love. Everything i ask for he gives me including passwords to things. Yet i still can't get over the past. I keep thinking about it. I doubt he will cheat on me again but I just see pictures of them in my head and think about how madly in love i was with him and behind my back he was with her. He says forget her, it's about us now. They are not in contact anymore.But when he doesnt trust me i juss feel like he doesn't trust himself and i get reminded of the past.How do i let go of them hurt?

venom 4 months ago

I've been wiv my husband for 10yrs we separated for a yr and a half due to family probs but we neva discussed divorce, but afta 9mnths he sed he wanted a divorce but I prolonged it cuz I truly belived he didnt knw wot 2 do, he kept telling me hes confused and thinks it won't work so afta all my pain and suffering I filed for a divorce, but then he didn't sign the petition and told me that he wants 2 make our marriage work. He promised he was cumin bck in Dec but neva did cus of his family. He finally came dis yr when he found out that I had a cancer scare and that made him realise that he can't image life without me. So hes come back he says that hes not bck cus I was ill but it made him fink. Lst nite he told me he was goin out wiv sum one for 6mnths last yr and obviously they were having sex aswel but he felt nothing for her and that he jst wasn't into the realationship like she was however he did use 2 talk about me 2 het and when she said she has feeling for him he told her that he still has feeling for me and still loves me so he broke up wiv her and being wiv her made him realise its me he wants and no one else. She don't call him as he's changed his number but how do i forgive him or move past this as I have not done that myself. It's killing me knowing that all the pain and suffering I went through meant nothing to him cus while he was cheating I was praying for him to come back. I feel sick knowing that he's had sex with some one else, I can't even look at him or allow him to touch me although I want to make my marriage work and he's really sorry and disgusted by what he did how do I move past it or even forgive him.

KAREN 4 months ago

im a runner. me and my husband has no trust on both sides,and theres alot of drama with his ex and there 2 kids. he has a alcoholic but has slowed down. he is going to counlising cause he wants it to work out and i think i do to but im confused, i really do think we love each other,but i ran off to ny with my ex, i think just to get away,i sure thats not the answer either im so confused and getting depressed i dont know what to do

distraught 4 months ago

Saturday night my long-term boyfriend cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend who also happened to be my best friend (they date very briefly when that were very young) and in the past 2 years we became friends so much so that we went on group vacations together. Everyone warned me about her initially saying that if she wanted to be friends that she must have had some ulterior motive to becoming friends with me. I wanting to believe that people couldn't be that deceiving and evil gave her a chance. My boyfriend told me the morning after it happened. I had noticed he had been very upset all morning and for some reason he hadn't come to bed the night before but chose to sleep in the guest room but he had been out drinking with his 2 best friends so I thought maybe he was very hung over and our room tends to get warm so he slept in the cooler guest room. Finally he got the nerve to tell me what happened after I went and got him lunch and was so sympathetic to his *sickness*. He said that he and the group had met up with her downtown and that once the bars were closed they all went back to one of the boys houses and from there she asked him to come over to her house. I don't understand why he would go to her house in the first place since it was 3 in morning and clearly that was not an appropriate situation for him to be putting himself in. Never have I doubted his faithfulness but that has just torn me apart. I truly believed I was going to spend the rest of my life with this person and have children with him now I can't stand for him to touch me knowing that he was with her. I'm at a loss of what to do I still love him dearly but I don't know if I can ever let him near me or believe him when he says he's so sorry and that he loves me so much. My main issue of distrust is because he said she started kissing him in her living room then she asked him to go to her bedroom and then he managed to unlace his boots and get completely naked and I asked him once if he ever thought of me and he said no that he knew it was a bad idea and thats why he stopped in the middle of them having sex .( yet they had time to switch to different positions) How can he love me when he never thought of me once during this whole interaction not to mention it was someone who i was friends with so how could he look at her and not think of me? Not only am I so mad at him but I've lost my best friend as well. I feel so lost and am in constant pain, i just don't know what is happening in my life it all feels like some surreal fever dream that is only anchored by the pain

unforgiven 4 months ago

Even if u think even if u forgive the hate will stay and u will never truly forgive even if its eat u talking brings nothing the person will cheat on u again 100%

unforgiven 4 months ago

I've decided that forgiveness IS the answer, the ONLY answer.

I'm not saying to stay in the relationship - THAT is a totally seperate issue.

You can stay and forgive.

You can leave and forgive.

One has really not much to do with the other. I have figured this out from 3 different things.

The ONE comment this whole hub generated shows me too that people probably seem to reason taht the two go together but they don't - not at all!

It is even great to forgive and you can still love a person and move on - leave and get on with living your life. What you DON'T need is to be carrying around 4 tons of resentment on your back because not forgiving does that and it only hurts YOU. It hurts you and no one else really.

I don't think it is even possible to not forgive (which is to hold a grudge) and NOT have a resentment.

And...resentments eat us alive from the inside out....

I may just have to write another hub on this topic....

Melanie

this false how can u forgive someone so easy even if u wait and take ur time u cant simply forgive something like this even if that happens u coud not simply trust him/her anymore or sleep with him/her the disgusting feeling that he/she touched another men/woman will stay

beside destroying the life of that cheating scum and take everything from him/her there is no other way because if u forgive u will loose your pride as Human.

haylo 4 months ago

Hi, I wonder if anyone can give me advice. I caught my wife cheating on me, she claims she didn't sleep with him but it was going on for a while (at least 5 times she say)where they kissed and cuddled. Frankly I don't believe her and I'm convinced they have slept with each other. We have three children which we both love. I love my children so much that I would not ask my wife/their mother to leave and I'm not willing to leave the kids either, why should I. Therefore we are stuck with each other. I do love my wife but I hate what she has done. We went to counciling but she stopped going as I believe the councilor was hitting a nerve (I think she is depressed and homesick). I've tried to change to make us more compatible. I do believe my wife loves me, if not in love with me. In bed she won't touch me, the best I get is a hug to say goodbye, I'm hoping this will eventually lead to more but I want her to be in love me not just to have sex. I know I didn't deserve what happened and if it wasn't for the kids we would be over and I would have moved on, but there are kids, which we both love, why screw their life up by taking a father/mother away from them, they don't deserve that. We don't argue much about it anymore so they are sheltered from it all. This all happened in the last 6 months so I'm hoping time will be the healer. I want it back the way it was, but if she wasn't happy with the way it was then we need to change it. But I don't know how. Any tips from women out there of how I can win my wife back. I don't want to be a doormat but I am willing to work hard. Any tips.

p.s. He is no longer in the picture and there has been no contact for a while so it is case of us getting on with it now.

SHEZZY 3 months ago

my partner of 4 years told me he had an affair when i was pregnant and he told me becasue he is sorry and wants to move on and marry me but im so hurt i dont no how i can forgive for the fact he had an affair and more so he did it when i was pregant. i want to forgive and be with him. i love him and so want to marry him but i cant even think about that as it makes me feel it and the thought of sex i wont even go there. i dont no what im going to do or how im going to do, im angry hurt upset etc.

Hurt and Angry 3 months ago

hytu

confused 3 months ago

Found out last year my husband had an affair 10 years ago. we weren't getting on at the time i wernt interested i was just interested in bringing my four kids up it was hard work, he used to tell me he loved me and wanted sex but i wasn't bothered just did it now and then to keep the peace.I wondered from time to time if he was seeing someone but he denied it and i believed him because he was no different with me and did nothing out of the unusual.He used to play pool on a Monday nights with the lads and what he did after the game was have a few drinks then sneak over to this girls house for half an hour for quick sex and she was happy with this arrangement he says she didn't care for him and he didn't care for her she was seeing other men as well as him and was happy with this arrangement, he says it was just for extra sex,he never bought her anything or took her anywhere, he went 2 to 3 times a month, it started because he did a job for her and she flirted and they did it the same day and it continued for nearly 2 years...I dint believe him i didn't think women could think or behave like that. Hes been over to her house to try ask her to talk to me to prove it but she wont, shes moved up in the world since 10 years ago and now thinks she is the bees knees,oh and she is still single. she only lives 3 minuets walk away from our house. She told a member of our family she had been with him and told them that it didn't mean anything and that he told her that he loved me and our kids and would never leave me or them for her or no one, but she wont talk to me.. He has been begging me for forgiveness hes put 3 adds in our local paper saying how much he loves me and how sorry he is, not left my side for a year only when i ask him to,takes me out for meals all the time took me abroad 3 times, treating me like a princess,buys me flowerer's every week, says will do anything for me to put it right, even wants me to start a new business with him , this happened 10 years since iv known a year we've been together 30 years, I dont know how to forgive him.. i do still love him but am a very strong woman and wont back down he says he will never hurt me again and will singe the house over to me to prove it. We can now do all the things we always said we wanted to do because the kids are older but i dont know if i can forgive. please give me a bit of advice.

confused 3 months ago

sorry forgot to say we have been to counseling but i didn't feel ready to forgive so we stopped going for now.

Liddy 3 months ago

Hi I'm 30 my fiancé is 26 we have been together 3 years, today he told me he was very drunk and slept with a family friend on Friday night, he said he is sorry and it won't happen again, I have packed my stuff and left but I live him and won't to go back he said he feels as though I don't live him and he has been feeling like a loser that's why he cheated should I go back to him?

anonymous 3 months ago

Hi liddy if he is really sorry and cannot do enough for you and is begging for forgiveness make it clear if it ever happens again that it will be definitely over then i think eventually i would give him another chance, if you think he is truly sorry and you probably have issues in you relationship that need sorting out. Good luck.

kris 2 months ago

My boyfriend of one year had sex with another woman the night before last. This woman is his older brother's girlfriend's mother. His brother's girlfriend is significantly younger so the mother is only 6 or 7 years older than my bf. For the past few weeks, my bf and this woman

kris 2 months ago

(cont. from above) For the past few weeks my boyfriend and this woman have been exchanging text message and she's been calling him pretty often. However he always told me that it was just conversation and that the provocative pictures she texted didn't mean anything. So last night we were talking on the phone and he said he had a confession to make: while he was visiting his brother overnight, he made a big mistake. Of course, I immediately guessed with whom, but I thought maybe a kiss or inappropriate cuddle, buy after a few minutes, he told me they'd "gone all the way."

kris 2 months ago

(cont. from above) Upon his telling me this, I immediately broke into tears. I honestly don't remember what he said or if he even apologized. I care very deeply for him and supported him through his father's death and his brother's (who was also his.dearest friend) sudden death. I thought this thing with his older brothers gf's mother was a joke. We wd laugh abt it and how of course there was no way he'd ever be interested. I asked him if he still wanted to be involved with me- he said yes. Then we agreed to talk more this morning. In our relationship, we had agreed that sex was something to be saved for marriage, so we are not intimate in that way. Which is.another reason why this feels like such a betrayal. I want to move on from here and stay.together but I'm afraid I won't be able to refrain from making mean, snarky comments. How do I do this?

Cassie 2 months ago

Two months ago my husband and I was going through a very rough patch. I just found out I was losing my job due to business failing and went into a bit of a depression. During this time an ex of my husband contacted him as she did every few years just to see if she could wiggle her way in. Turns out this time she had impeccable timing. He called her and over a week they talked back and forth many times. I knew something was wrong. We have been married 14 years and there has always been a tremendous amount of love in our marriage. I believed we were "meant" to be. He went to meet with her after work drove 4 hours to see her. I had to work late but I knew something was up. I went home and pulled our phone records and sure enough I found her number and called it. She answered with oh yeah, I got your husband he's right here. I have never felt debilitating pain like that before. It literally felt like my heart was pulled from my chest! He called a short time later and sounded drunk words slurring. needless to say conversation did end well. He came home the next day after a few weeks I finally got as much of the "truth" as I feel I am ever going to get. He says he only drove to see her was planning to be home that night but after I found out out he kept drinking and well the rest is history. I know he has never done this before and I want with all my heart to let this go but, at the risk of being cliché I have to ask How could he? Now I am questioning everything... our future our past his love for me....To his credit he is doing and saying all the right things. but I am so devastated. I took my rings off that night and they have been in the jewelry box ever since. I want to put them back on but, our vows were broke the meaning behind that

marriage has died ....My love for him is still there but the marriage/commitment is gone. How do I get to the point of wanting to be his wife again? I feel like I am going through the motions and I as a person is slowly recovering. I thought I was loosing it there for awhile. The pain is still very real and very deep and I know I have to stop asking him questions and rubbing things in his face but sometimes all the emotions are over whelming. He says I refer to our marriage in the past tense. I don't mean to I don't realize I am doing it. What does that mean? I do believe he loves me and our believe our life together is worth saving. but its not like renewing vows will fix anything. He broke them once. I am sooo confused. How do I make this pain stop controlling my life?

username12 2 months ago

Hi. More confused after reading all of this feel like its not as serious as I'm taking it. But a neutral ear/eye would help out. Pls reply.

Was with my bf for 4 years. In August 11(21st) his mom came to.my house and said he didn't come home the night b4. He said he fell asleep at buff house then went to school from there. (We're adults-but the economy has him at parents home and back in school to hopefully find some employment). To me this story didn't sound right and after waiting 2 years for him to get himself together I was done and went on a break from him. 3 weeks later he tells me he needs a break. I tell him a break from a break is over. He says he doesn't want it to be but needs a break. From that point on I tried to move on but we were still in contact and going out. Nothing sexual. Fast forward, we spent new years together and I felt things could possibly work out but when I was sick one wkned he didn't come take care of me so I stopped speaking to him all together. Told him I never wanted to speak to him again. 2 weeks ago I texted him and apologized for saying that and explained I missed him. Asked had he been with anyone during this time, he said no. 1 week later I get a call from some girl asking who.I am because she is in a relationship with him since July! (Turned out to be an exaggeration but they did spend time together on August 27th as friends). Technically I guess he didn't cheat if it was after we "broke up" but he did lie about so many things during that aug-jan time period and obviously 2weeks ago when I asked had he been with anyone. He says they were not in a relationship but she feels like they were. He did have an intimate relationship with her and that hurts me to my core. He states it didn't happen during our official relationship but there were still lies leading up to that. I'm hurt and angry but I love him. I don't know if I'm being too hard on him asking questions about the girl and everything but I feel.like if I have the whole story I can make a better decision. I have since looked at this girls fb account and spoken to her. Her own fb posts indicate whatever was going on between them didnt start until after we were over. I guess I feel.betryaed because he was always telling me he wanted to better our relationship and make it work but he was spending time and having sex with her. Any ideas of how I can move past this? The lies, betrayal and some form of cheating. Help!

Jem 7 weeks ago

this isn't a major issue but 2 me it is... last thursday night my boyfriend of 3 n a half years didn't come home from work after me tryin 2 contact him then finally he contacted me 2 say he was with his boss at the local pub where they were workin by the time he came home i was sleepin but i didn't think anythin like what has happened would of but i went through his phone the followin night n seen messages between him n a girl which when i had asked who it was he said a work mate n stated in the msg's that they were goin 2 catch up, i really hit the roof bout it all n was so confused but i love him with every lil bit of myself n said i forgive him aslong as he doesn't contact her n thats it he agreed but then by chance my nephew was playin games on his phone while sittin on my lap n a another message came through from her which at this point i was @ boilin point so i decided 2 contact her n tell her that i am his partner n she was like when i met him @ the pub he told me he was single n that she is her own person n she can kiss who she wants n do what she wants n bad luck if it was my partner or ex i hung up on her then walked out n slapped him in the head as i was cryin n so hurt he then took off but by the time i got home he was there waitin 4 me he stayed that night with me then i dropped him off the followin day 2 his family as it was easter n throughout the day/night he contacted me n promised he would be comin home that night but when i try contactin him he ignored me then switched his phone off i was so so so upset n didn't sleep all night n was constantly contactin his mobile finally in the mornin he answered once he switched his phone back on n asked 4 me 2 pick him up from his mates house in which i did as i would do anythin n everythin 4 him as love him way 2 much 2 lose him once we got home n fell asleep n i decided 2 go through his phone again as i was so damn upset why he was ignorin my calls n messages the day/night prior n then switched his phone off which in the back of my head he was with the girl he was messagin from the pub in a message i seen sent 2 his boss he stated he was on his way 2 see her which ripped my heart out of my chest, he finally woke up n said that he had 2 go n i was like no u cant leave i don't want u 2 he was like i need space n time 2 think i did wrong n how can u forgive me 4 this n i told him i do as he is my world but he still packed his things n left since leavin i pick him up every mornin n take him 2 work n he gets dropped off @ our place then i got 2 drive him 2 his family but throughout the whole day while we are both workin he calls me i call him n we messgae eachother he states that he is confused still n i just don't know what 2 do as i am not eatin, sleepin n just feel like curlin up in a ball n disappearin :( i am constantly holdin back my tears but just want 2 explode i want him back home as its hard 4 me 2 be alone without him plz plz plz can some1 tell me what i can do as i just want things back 2 normal??? there is a big age difference between us but that shouldn't be a problem, he is 19 n i am 31 n we have been 2gether 4 4years n been through so much 2gether... WHAT AM I 2 DO, HOW CAN I SORT THINGS OUT? I AM SO DEPRESSED!!!

Justina 5 weeks ago

I've been trying for 4 or5 years for my husband to confess the truth ,but his answer is always the same. I feel in my heart he cheated on me but the only proof I have is an std. He tells me he's been honest for all our marry years and I don't beleieve him because I have been honest. I have been trying to get past this and move on but i have been troubled for years about it that I ended up with cancer. I'm ok now but feel I don't beleive I can ever get over it. the fact is I think people may know but why can't someone please tell .What I think is crazy and irrational thoughts becuse I'm sick over this because I want to make this marriage work but I don't know how because I really need answers. My family thinks I'm crazy or at least they try to make it of that and want me on medications and I don't want to go on them. I've been depressed and I'm in counciling. awaiting patiently

En2Jay 3 weeks ago

Hi, ive just joined through reading this thread, after frantically trying to make sense and for someone to tell me im doing the right thing.

This is the first ive seen of people just not saying throw them out, get shot of, theyve gone.

I found out through reading texts on my partners phone on Easter Saturday this year, that he is seeing someone else.

I was so sick i gave myself a nose bleed.

I lost my mum to ovarian cancer on in december and i had been told that my partner registered on sex sites, he was talking of meeting a person with the same name on there the day after my mums funeral. I had given him lots of love and he gave me support throughout her illness as i was caring for her with my dad at their home, so he looked after my 3 children, my youngest, who is 7 is his.

I confronted him, as didnt have time to read all the texts before he came in, i only checked his phone, as he had used 300 texts in 2weeks! not to me!, he got really annoyed said she is just a friend someone to talk to, he doesnt know what he wants, hes just turned 40 and im 45 she is 29! although he says she is 38 and she has no children, my 17 yr old son and 14year old daughter are being awful because of their ages and each day is the same struggle and arguements to get them sorted, so i didnt blame him for wanting space, as i felt i wanted to run away too!

He had to find a room as he couldnt live here constantly for council tax purposes, as he was out of work for so long i couldnt afford to keep him and pay for two peoples council tax. So when he got a job he got a room, going on a wednesday and fri and sat night, still coming here in the morning before work or allday if the weekend.

I sat outside where his room was and he wasnt there alnite, he, when asked, said he was, so i went phsyco,saying i had satouside and if he was lying about that is he not lying about not sleeping with her!Its now since easter, every time he goes im frantic, a woman possessed! completely and utterly devastated! I can hardly breath!. then he strolls in in the morning as if nothing has happened, when after all the texts i sent telling him to leave the night before,he says he doesnt want to leave.

He had never said he loved me, but now he sent a text, while at work saying he doesnt do it on purpose, he knows is so difficult for for me and he couldnt be without me, and to let him sort his head out and it will all be ok in the end.

I know i just couldnt exist without him, i so desparetely love him and we still sleep together, more than ever,which i hate myself everytime thinking is he comparing me to her! This bank holiday weekend he saw her for 4 nights, now saying he does stay there, but he sleeps on the floor! he rushed off at 5.45 monday, to obvioulsy pick her up from work and came back at 8.30, she sends messages to him constantly, as used to be abl to check, via texts counts but now its email, so i cant check, but why do i check and trying to find who she is, i dont think she knows anything about me, although one text said, should she pick him up and he said no i was lending him the car!

Im sorry this is soo long, im desparate for someone to say that wanting him to stay and trying to breath when im guessing hes with her, is ok, i simply cant let him go and he doesnt appear to want to, cause people saying having his cake and eating it too, we have been together 10 years and jealousy does eat me up inside as lots of women look at him and hes always had lady friends, infact i assumed he was gay, when i first met him, as had so many lady friends! i want to beleive he is telling the truth.

Will i ever be able to be back to normal, we get on so well, apart from the older children driving him insane! or if he still sees her, i presume and emails her first thing and last thing in the day, is there no hope, he is so attentive when he is here, cuddles me, just small things, like touching my leg when sat on the setee or holding my hand and cuddling me when he goes past and giving me kisses when he leaves, saying its going to be ok and not to worry and when he comes back in! I said if he knows how much his actions are destroying my, to stop it and he said it infactically refuses to have no friends and i cant tell him to not have any. He appears so broken, has cut off all ties with his parents and famliy, he only had me and i wasnt giving him the sexual side of the relationship and left a window open for someone else to jump in! I am so at fault in this, if id have had sex he wouldnt have gone looking else where, but it was such a long illness with my mum, it consumed my life and now i feel so guilty that i appear to be grieving more for his actions than the loss of my mum, im sorry for the huge comment.