Marriages in Trouble

If your marriage is in trouble, the chances are good that you need to put some hurt behind you if you want to keep your marriage. I am writing this hub as my friend *Marilyn* is going through *it* right now and *it* ain't pretty...

So... how do we get over the past? Even the Recent past? THAT is the key question. I believe that past wounds never heal when, much like an infected wound, they don't get the care they need. If you have an open infected sore-chances are you put salve on it, bandage it, maybe take medicine for it, you need to care for it until it heals.

I don't see that happning and I have been watching it over time many of my married friends - they just do it over and over to each other. More hurt piled on more hurt.

I believe they really need to realize what they are doing to each other. That old tit for tat crap is so 1st grade. Heck! I know 6 year olds that have a better idea of making up than their parents do! Why is it SO hard to be he one to make the first move? All I see is their PRIDE gets in their way!

You need to REALLY think about what you are trying to accomplish and then put that into action. Don't wait for your mate to do something. It is up to you! Be the ADULT here! DO you WANT to get over *it* (whatever IT is?) Or not? I am going to write this hub assuming you DO want to get over IT and get on with your life in happy-mode. :} As well as if you Don't want to get over it and you want to fix it.....

OK - So what does it REALLY mean to get over past hurts or even ongoing hurts? You know that you can't press rewind & change what happened. There's no time machine to send you back to the past with a big eraser! What's done is done.

HERE'S A PLAN:

Some things CAN be changed so figure out what CAN be changed. Say you had an affair (the middle of the road kind) - not a one nighter and not a fell in love -- but say a weekly *vous with someone just for sex (sex or...whatever it is you are not getting from your spouse that you NEED). This is ALSO me assuming that you are not just a big Turd! :}

Do you feel your mate neglects you? Rejects you? Hurts you on purpose? Doesn't want to understand how you feel? Do you dwell every day on the past; the pain of an affair or whatever it is that irks you so?

See, I just don't believe that you need to change the past (like you CAN'T anyway) to get OVER it. What you do have to change is the way you see the past and the meaning it has for you.

You can begin to heal your marriage (or NOT) regardless of how willing or unwilling your mate may even be at the present time to cooperate.

Most every one has had a time in their life when something really terrible has
happened and thought; "Why is this happening to me?" Then a few months/years later you look back and you could answer the question clear as daylight. You understood why it happened. At first, it seemed like your whole world was caving when suddenly it all made sense!

"Why is this happening to me?" <----Well...Why NOT You?!?!?

Look, if you *liked* this person enough to MARRY them--to say you intended to spend the REST of your entire LIFE with them--than isn't it worth a bit of a *fight* to keep it? Everybody goes through rough patches. Everybody!

I think that what FOLLOWS the bad patches are what is really important; shows the REAL stuff you are BOTH made of! And since YOU are in charge of your future, then YOU can (and SHOULD) also determine the meaning of your past!

Do you have free choice? I don't know about you but I SURE DO!


Ultimately, it's the COMBINATION of the hand
you're dealt and the way you play it that
determines the outcome. And it's the outcome that
shapes your view of the original hand you were
dealt.


So how do you get over the past? Guess what?
You don't have to get over the past. The past is
over! What's important is the MEANING the past
has for you NOW. And the MEANING of your past is
determined by your actions in the future.

The people I know who have the best marriages are
people who went through hell in their relationship.

They "got over" their past because
they used it as a catalyst to IMPROVE their
situation. In other words, the painful events
inspired them to change themselves and their
marriage. And many people I know began this
process WITHOUT their spouse.

If you will but make the right moves, you
will come to view certain events as birth pains
that led to a new AND IMPROVED marriage.
Marilyn, THAT'S how you "get over" the
past.

It's strange how life works sometimes, but if you
play your hand right, your hurts become part of
your healing. And, in fact, when it comes to
relationships, it's usually bad times that awaken
people to search for new ways.

Marilyn, I can't make the past go away. But I can help you
give it a new meaning. Then, you'll get over it and move on.

Relationships are Complicated!!

 

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning,
you fell in love with your spouse; (probably out of lust first).

You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and
liked their idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with your mate wasn't hard. In
fact, it was a completely spontaneous
experience.

You didn't have to DO anything.
That's why it's called "falling" in love - because
it's happening TO YOU.

You are falling. And...falling is generally not a good thing.

Kindof like spinning; once you stop you are so dizzy you cannot see anything clearly.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept off my
feet." Think about the imagery of that
expression. It implies that you were just
standing there; doing nothing, and then something
came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and
spontaneous experience. It is easy because it just *happens*.

But maybe after a few years of marriage, the euphoria
of love fades. It seems to be the natural cycle of most
relationships.

Slowly but surely, phone calls
become a bother (if they come at all), touch is
not always welcome (when it happens), and your
spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute,
drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every
relationship, but if you think about your
marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference
between the initial stage when you were in love
and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start
asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as
you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of
the love you once had, you may begin to desire
that experience with someone else. This is when
marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse
for their unhappiness and look outside their
marriage for fulfillment.

Out of relationship fulfillment comes in all shapes and
sizes. Infidelity being most obvious.
Sometimes people turn to drugs, food, work, churches, hobbies, friendships, excesses, booze, other substances.

But the answer to your dilemma does NOT lie
outside your marriage. It SURE doesn't lie inside of a bottle or a cake. It lies within the relationship!.

I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love
with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY
you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same
situation a few years later.

Because (listen carefully) ~ Assuming you are not with a Complete and Utter A**hole.

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN ANY RELATIONSHIP IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT IS LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous
experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You
can't "find" LASTING love.

You have to "make" it
day in and day out. That's why we have the
expression "the labor of love." Because it takes
time, effort, and energy. And most importantly,
it takes WISDOM.

You have to know WHAT TO DO to
make a relationship work.

Make no mistake about it. Love
is NO mystery. There are specific things you
can do (with or without your mate) to succeed
at your relationship.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe
(such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships.

Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger,
certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger.

It is direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the natural laws, the
results are actually predictable.

Please stay tuned for Part 2....